Be Kind to Yourself

NOTE: This was originally published in our bi-weekly e-newsletter, Liminal Spaces. To get future issues delivered to your inbox, sign up here.

I am tired. 

Physically tired because of the time change, yes, but also spiritually and mentally and emotionally tired. More than I have been in a while. (And that’s saying something, considering the year we’ve all been through.)

If I’m honest with myself, this exhaustion partially springs forth from a lot of hard (but good) growth, but probably more so from constantly questioning my sanity, being bombarded by self-doubt, and a nagging fear that I have been led astray and have now abandoned the “straight and narrow.” What if? What if?! WHAT IIIIIIIIIFFFFFFF???!! 

Like I said, it’s exhausting.

But more importantly, it’s irrational. The more logical, reasonable, aware part of me knows better. The more I learn, the clearer it becomes how harmful and toxic my old beliefs were, how unlike Jesus they were, and how they were manipulated by a bunch of old, white dudes who used religion to excuse their misogyny, racism, hatred, and unquenchable thirst for power. Every fiber of my being knows that I am moving toward a truer understanding of the Divine.

But that’s exactly how evangelical indoctrination works. It seeps through the cracks, finding its way into every nook and cranny of our brains, until we no longer trust ourselves (our intuition, our gut, the Holy Spirit—whatever you want to call it) because we’re so broken that we cannot possibly know what’s good for us. We cannot possibly hear the voice of God or know what God wants. And even though I know on some level that that’s what’s causing me such distress, it’s hard to shake. Years and years and years of thinking that way don’t just magically go away overnight.

That’s why, just as I’m trying to be kind to my poor body as it slooooowly adjusts to losing an hour of sleep, I’m trying to be kind to myself as I attempt to let go and build new ways of thinking. If just one hour of sleep can throw my body off this much, imagine how having decades of thinking/being/doing exposed as harmful can throw a mind off! There is no time limit, no need to have it “figured out,” no need to measure myself against some arbitrary standard. It is all part of the journey, and it is all grace.

Amen.