Spiritual Abuse: Fear and Loathing in Evangelicalism

Did you know you have more than 50,000 thoughts per day, of which over half of them are negative? 90% of these same thoughts are exact repeats of what you thought the day before. It’s kinda scary when you think about it.

It takes seven positive thoughts to balance out one negative thought. It seems unfair, but that’s how the brain works. If you deal with depression, struggle with anxiety, or have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you know exactly what I’m talking about. It seems everything on the planet has evolved…except our brains. The mind still wants to function in reptilian mode, especially if we have experienced trauma. When fears arise, anxiety rages, or uncertainty slaps us in the face, the brain immediately digresses into fight, flight, or freeze. Why? Because it is designed to keep us safe. 

But trauma hijacks the brain, forcing you to live in constant survival mode. And if an experience or memory triggers a past traumatic event, it feels like you are living that awful moment all over again. In simple terms, your brain doesn’t know the difference between the actual traumatic event and the memory of it. Anything that prompts that memory is suddenly a threat.

Worse, many of us who grew up in conservative evangelicalism suffer from self-hate and spiritual abuse. Entire masochistic theologies were invented to breed self-loathing. Augustine’s invention of original sin and John Calvin’s doctrine of total depravity are just two examples of the depths to which the Church has gone to dehumanize its members. “In conservative Christianity you are told you are unacceptable. You are judged with regard to your relationship to God. Thus you can only be loved positionally, not essentially,” writes Dr. Marlene Winell in her book Leaving the Fold. 

But the trauma doesn’t end there. The God of evangelical fundamentalism sounds a lot like an abusive partner. We’re told from a very young age and on not-so-uncertain terms that we were conceived in sin and unworthy of God’s love. We are nothing without God, and any punishment or suffering we receive is our fault. (This is, by the way, the same punitive, vindictive God who apparently required the suffering and violent death of His own son in order to divert His fury from mankind. Any god who demands violence as an atoning procedure to satisfy His wrath is an abusive deity.) 

The consequences of religious abuse and spiritual trauma are finally being studied by psychologists, but the harm is plain to see. Blocking off emotions, dissociation from the body, post-traumatic stress symptoms, personal inadequacy, and relentless self-doubt are just a few of the growing side effects of religious trauma. More troubling, a study completed by LifeWay Research reports that nearly half of evangelicals believe mental health disorders can be overcome through “Bible study and prayer alone.”

This toxic theology, combined with all the negative thoughts and emotions our brains just naturally default to, creates low self-esteem and a lack of self-love. Have you ever noticed the way you talk to yourself or the internal dialogue you repeat to yourself on a daily basis? This on-going chatter in your mind forms the mental patterns and neural pathways that lead to unnecessary suffering. 

To get in touch with the nonstop babble in your brain, ask yourself these questions and dare to be honest about the answers:

• What thoughts, feelings, or images continue to pop-up in my head?

• What three lies do I tell myself every day?

• How are these thoughts and messages destroying my self-worth?  

As Pema Chodron writes in her bestselling book When Things Fall Apart, “Our personal demons come in many guises. We experience them as shame, as jealousy, as abandonment, as rage. They are anything that makes us so uncomfortable that we continue to run away…We can spend our whole lives escaping from the monsters in our mind.” Or, we can turn and face them, disarming them through compassionate acknowledgment.

We all carry around an image of ourselves, and by and large that image is disfigured. This image matters because it informs how we interact with the people around us. If we hate ourselves, we will hate others. If we disassociate from ourselves, we will dissociate from others. 

The solution to spiritual abuse and the resulting self-hatred is loving kindness and self-compassion. Yes, take your medication, but also, give yourself a break. “To the degree we have compassion for ourselves, we will also have compassion for others,” Chodron continues. Author and psychologist Tara Brach refers to the act of “clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind, and loving heart” as “Radical Acceptance.” Engaging in radical acceptance dismantles the perpetual cycle of self-hatred and provides the transformational antidote to a lifetime of personal loathing and neglect. 

Developing a friendship with yourself, accepting even those parts of you that you’d rather not face, is the beginning of self-love. By acknowledging with compassionate neutrality all the non-stop negative thoughts and refusing to cling to them and be defined by them is the next step toward peace.

You are worthy of good things. You deserve to feel happy, content, and at peace. Becoming fully human means being comfortable in your own skin. Get help. See a counselor or therapist. Talk to a medical provider about medications that can lower your anxiety and fight your depression. And then, get to know yourself again. To foster loving kindness and embrace Radical Acceptance, practice the meditation below, adapted from Noah Levine, creator of Refuge Recovery. 

A Guided Meditation For Personal Loving Kindness

Find a comfortable place to sit. Your posture should be attentive yet calm, with your back straight and your arms comfortable on your lap. Bring your attention to your breath, taking several deep breaths to center your heart and mind. Notice a wave of peace flowing through your body from the top of your head all the way down to your toes. 

Now pause and simply breathe. Focusing your attention on your breath.

Just breathe.

Begin to reflect on your deepest desire to live in peace with yourself. Allow your heart’s deepest longing to feel compassion for yourself. 

Pause and breathe gently and naturally.

With each breath, breathe into the heart’s center acceptance of yourself, and the acknowledgement of your deepest desire to be at peace with yourself by experiencing love and kindness.

Pause and simply breathe.

Slowly begin to offer yourself kind and friendly phrases with the intention to uncover your heart’s true posture of peace. Your phrases can simply be:

May I be happy.

May I be at peace with myself.

May I love myself and be free from self-inflicted suffering.

Pause and simply breathe.

As you continue to sit in mindful meditation repeating these or similar phrases in your mind, draw your attention back to your breath. Notice if you experience resistance to this posture of loving kindness. Notice if your mind is telling you lies again. Try not to judge those negative thoughts or condemn yourself for having them, but simply let them arise and fall like the waves on the seashore. Don’t cling. Don’t reject. Just let those thoughts give birth and die away over and over again.

Pause and breathe.

Repeat these phrases to yourself either vocally or mentally:

May I be happy.

May I find inner peace.

Allow your mind to relax and find peace in these words, believing them at your core. Simply repeat the phrases over and over to yourself, like a kind mantra. Don’t judge yourself if you don’t automatically feel these feelings. Just rest in the tension of becoming the best version of yourself. Simply acknowledge what is happening in your body. What are you feeling right now and where are you feeling it? Be as friendly and merciful with yourself as possible.

Sit in silence for three minutes and pay gentle attention to your breath.

Keep your attention on your breath, relaxing and finding peace in the present moment. Bring to your attention someone who has loved you unconditionally, a benefactor who has made your life happy and content. Slowly repeat these phrases with this person in mind:

Just as I wish to be happy, peaceful, and free, may you too be happy.

Pause

May you be at ease in your own skin.

Pause

May you be free from suffering.

Sit in silence for two minutes.

Now let go of all phrases and bring your attention back to your breath and your body, ingesting peace, tranquility, and kindness with every breath. Breathe in goodness and love while breathing out any negativity and fear. Then, whenever you are ready, allow your eyes to open slowly and bring your attention back to your present surroundings.