Death Before Dying

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“If I find Him, I will find myself and if I find my one true self, I will find Him.”—Thomas Merton

On Friday, the Feast Day of Paul of Thebes, I (Gary Alan) witnessed the solemn profession of monastic vows by my dear friend and spiritual mentor Father Brendan. Called to a life of chastity, poverty, solitude, simplicity, obedience, and conversion of life, he made public his renunciation of worldly attachments, fleshly desires, and self-interest by choosing to pursue holy wisdom, illumination, and theosis as a vowed monastic hermit. 

Following the ceremony, as we toasted his new monastic life, I asked him which vow (poverty, chastity, solitude, simplicity, or obedience) was the most difficult to profess. His answer surprised me. Though renouncing relatives, a wife, children, friends, and possessions would be an ongoing struggle, it was the self-emptying, the denial of personal identity, and the ignominy of monastic life that would be the most difficult vow to live into. Emptying himself of his very personhood, created in large part through years of professional success and academic achievement, would be the hardest part. I wondered to myself if the more successful you are, the harder it is to let go. 

Escaping the prison of the false self by putting to death the misleading egoic identity created by nationality, wealth, education, job title, and achievements isn’t just something for monks, it is a necessary purgation for all of us who follow “the way” of Jesus, who “emptied Himself, by taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness” (Phil. 2:7). The Eastern Orthodox church fathers called this kenosis, a mystical process of lavish self-giving that seems to be at the very heart of who God is. And though a few ascetics set their faces like a flint toward kenosis, the rest of us almost need it forced upon us. The loss of a job, the dissolution of a marriage, declining health, or old age have an organic way of stripping away the ego, creating room in the soul for Christ to come in and fill the void left by the false self. 

Unlike Father Brendan, we may never stand before friends and family to denounce all our worldly possessions and attachments, but we’re still beckoned to empty ourselves, to take up our crosses, and follow Christ on the downward path of spiritual transformation. The lifelong task of real spirituality is to strip away the false self, to trust that in pouring ourselves out, we too will be filled with the infinite love of God, which is our truest identity. 

A Prayer by Father Brendan

O God, whose incarnate Wisdom became poor that we, through his poverty, might be sanctified: Deliver us from an inordinate love of this world, that we, inspired by the devotion of your servants and all your Saints, may serve you with singleness of heart and attain to the true riches of your Kingdom. Through Christ, the same Blessed Wisdom, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, One God, now and forever, Amen. 

What We’re Reading, Listening To, Watching

Melanie:

• Reading: Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving, and Finding the Church by Rachel Held Evans

• Listening to: Pantsuit Politics podcast

Gary Alan:

• Reading: Thirst: Poems by Mary Oliver

• Watching: Parts Unknown with Anthony Bourdain

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